Sellout?

Am I a sellout? I struggle with the answer. All the time. I feel like one and my ego hates it. Sellout is not something I associate with being good. It’s the nails-on-a-chalkboard sound of my favorite Indie Band playing in the background of a car commercial. It’s seeing my favorite actor hocking toilet paper in Japan because they would never be caught dead doing it here in the States. It’s in direct opposition to what I think being “cool” is.

Sellout means that I am walking away from principle and that’s a big deal to me…because my ego has convinced me that I’m better than that.  Me? I don’t sellout!  I’m not a punk! At least that’s what I want the rest of the world to believe. So why is my ego trying to convince me that I’m selling out? Why is my ego freaking out that I am becoming this thing that is so lacking in what it means to be cool??

God. That’s why.

I spent 27 years building a case against God, and it was a strong one. The evidence was EVERYWHERE I looked. TV, newspapers, radio stations, all filled with examples of “God’s work” and I was not impressed. Evangelists screaming their sermons on TV demanding their flock send tithes, so they can purchase the latest Gulfstream. Hillsboro Baptists spewing hate at the funerals of our soldiers coming home having died for our country. The Catholic Church’s crimes against humanity. I could throw a rock blindfolded and hit a bad example of Gods work. My conclusion? God was bad. Period. End of story.

Except that is not where the story ends.

It’s one thing to say God is bad, drop the mic and walk away. But that is not what I was doing. My “God is bad” narrative I created, if I am honest with myself, was simply me getting away from the hang ups of having to live better. I wanted an out. I wanted autonomy. I wanted to live my life the way my base desires wanted, without the complications of any God ideal to get in the way of it. I wanted to live in the world where “If it feels good…do it” and everyone else be damned.

So, I took the worst of what man had to offer regarding religion, I attributed it to God, then set the whole thing on fire. Hands clasped behind my head, leaning back in my chair, smiling as I watched it burn. “No more of that bullshit!!”, I said to myself. Then, as if that that wasn’t bad enough, my ego upped the ante.

It convinced me that I was too smart for God. When I think about it, it’s pretty amazing. It convinced me of the absence of God by tricking my mind into thinking I’m too intelligent for God. Talk about a fool proof plan! Why would I ever question it? I’m evolved man! I’m figuring shit out as these sheep are blindly following this God thing. People are too stupid to see what is really going on! Look at how much better I am compared to these people, hands folded, praying for help that is never going to come from a God that never existed. I WIN!

I celebrated my liberation from God! I sought out like-minded people. We would take turns “one-upping” each other with stories of non-belief, high-fiving ourselves along the way. I reveled in making my point of how I “educated” myself out of God and religion. It was powerful. It felt incredible! It was freedom! Freedom to finally live life without the guilt and shame. Life was good.

Until it wasn’t.

The problem I found was that without a rudder my ship started to follow a course I never intended it to. Left on my own I did not make particularly good decisions. What’s worse is that those decisions became exponentially more terrible. My goal post for bad behavior kept moving further and further back. It affected everything that I loved. Relationships suffered immensely. At issue with this “want” of a life without consequence is that it comes with a ton of consequences. Ready or not, here they are. I kept finding myself in deeper dilemmas with no real way to get out them.

My poor wife. She found the man she had promised her life to struggling with a drug and alcohol addiction. She didn’t understand it and she couldn’t control it. My two sons were sitting front row as I sunk deeper. They never knew about the drugs (that I know of), but they definitely saw me drinking a lot. I know because they would call me out on it. “Daddy, why are you always drunk?”, was a frequent question in our home. I hated when they asked me that. I was bad and getting worse.

The effects of drinking and drugs was like a cancer in my system. It sought out all the vital functions in my life and began shutting them down. Husband, Father, Son, Employee, Friend; one by one they quit working. I was lying to my wife, I was exploding at my sons’ baseball games, I was losing jobs, I was losing myself.

I was scared. I was confused. I was lonely. This life that I had wanted so badly, to be free of guilt and to be free of shame had left me full of both. But how do I get out of it? How can I change? I sure as hell can’t ask God for anything. I can’t go back there with these bags of evidence I had compiled that said his existence was bullshit. He, or She, or It, was not going to have anything to do with me. I poured the gas. I struck the match that lit the flame. I burned that bridge to the ground!! Why would God ever come to my rescue? What was I going to do?

I did what most people do in moments of hopelessness. (whether they admit it or not) I sold out and I prayed, “God help me”.

There was no flash of light, there was no burning bush. There was just silence followed by a thought. Call a friend. I called an old high school buddy, someone I have known for most of my life. This friend had decided to get sober a few years back. He seemed to be the most qualified person for me to talk to. So, I dialed his number and made the call.

I unloaded both barrels on him. I told him everything. Through a deluge of tears, I made my way through the story. Every dirty detail I could recall came out in the open.  He listened carefully, allowed me to finish and then he spoke. At the time I didn’t think much of it but looking back on it now I know what it was that happened.

Grace.

The God I had turned my back on, I believe, told me to call my friend. My friend made some suggestions and I took them. Those suggestions led to recovery and as I sit here and type this I am close to two-and-a-half years sober. What I choose to believe is that God gave me grace. But what the heck does that even mean? Grace?

For me, Grace means perspective. It means that I can see the gift of life in a way that I could not see it before. It’s not a requirement though, I don’t have to see it this way. That’s the thing with free will. The choice is mine as to how I want to view the world. Today I am choosing to view life through the filter of God’s grace. My problem is that there is still a part of me that feels like I am selling out.

This is what it sounds like….

God???? Seriously??? Grace??? WTF is wrong with you? This is a joke, right? You don’t really believe this crap, do you? I mean COME ON! 27 years man! 27 years of case building, of educating yourself out of this God BS. How can you look yourself in the mirror with a straight face and start thinking that GODS GRACE is the reason you are here? Who are you trying to fool? Who are you trying to impress? What a complete and total MORON you are!!! SELLOUT!!!

Is it right? Is that voice speaking the truth? It’s hard to decipher because that voice makes sense to me. That voice has a point. Don’t I seem like a hypocrite now? I sure do feel like one. I spent decades convincing myself that God was not God and now here I am with a little sobriety in me and I’m walking around talking about God’s Grace. It’s a non-sequitur. It does not compute.

Or does it? A quick look at the scoreboard should settle this.

When God didn’t exist in my life I made decisions that came close to costing me everything. I was selfish, I was self-centered. I only cared about what made me happy; which was typically at the expense of the people I cared about. And when I say “expense” my family really paid a price for my actions. My wife and kids were trapped! Stuck with this self-absorbed guy who simply could not handle the day-to-day of living life; and for whom God was nowhere in sight.

Then in a single moment when I thought my life was over, and in light of all I had convinced myself otherwise, I reached out for help from a thing that I did not believe existed…and God answered me.

Two-plus years later this is what I see now: My wife is proud of me! I mean she is really proud of me. Like she looks at me and she smiles at me and she knows that I am different. That’s a big deal man! My boys now 14 and 11 have a father that is in this game with them. As a family we are hitting on all cylinders in ways I don’t have enough time or paper to explain!  So my scoreboard reads like this:  Life without God: 0  -  Life with God: 100.

Life with God wins it going away.

So back to the question. “Am I a Sellout”?

My ego thinks so. But screw him! All my ego ever did was rob me of everything I ever loved while I watched. Every chance my ego has had to hurt me it succeeded. Well enough is enough. With God front and center I get to tell my ego to take a hike, pound sand, and BUZZ THE “F” OFF!!.

Earlier in this writing I talked about my need and want to “be cool”. Well this is what I think being “cool” is now. Being cool is being a father. Being cool is being a husband. Being cool is caring about my fellow man or woman and trying to help whenever the need arises or, better yet, look for ways to help without being asked. Being cool means standing tall in a conversation and being proud of my faith, to give God the credit I believe He deserves. Being cool means hitting my knees every morning and asking for help and hitting them again in the evening and thanking God for that help.

Is my life perfect? Hell no! It will never be. But what it is now is devoid of the alcohol and drugs that I thought I wanted. That has been replaced with a confidence that God has my back which gives me the confidence to handle the hard times as well as the good.

So, am I sellout? Yep, you betcha!

100% I am and THANK GOD for that.