Quiet Please

It’s so loud in here! Is what I am thinking as I get into this place for the first time. I liken it to a concert hall or school gymnasium where hundreds of people’s voices are reverberating around me covering me in sound. For all the voices it’s difficult to pick up on any one conversation. I get snippets every now and again but for the most part it’s just noise. It’s deafening.

What do I do? I am choosing to be here but not like this. Not in this space where I can’t think for all the bluster around me.

I do the only thing I know how to; I yell out, “STOP TALKING!!” Nothing. The conversations continue.

My requests for quiet keep disappearing into the voices. It’s pointless. The only way I can think to describe it is like this…when I was a kid playing in the pool I’d lay my hand on the surface of the water and with all my might push down as hard as I could. For a millisecond my handprint was there only to be consumed as the water rushed back and replaced itself. My words in this space are met the same way. I speak, and my words disappear instantly into the noise around me. This is not working.

I try again, “STOP TALKING!” The result is the same, like my handprint in the water, my efforts in the moment are futile.

I’m ill-prepared for this. I feel silly. Totally uncomfortable. In a weird way I almost feel judged by the voices coming at me. None of what I am doing is making any sense at all. I am uncomfortable in the moment and I want to run! I hate it. I can’t wait to talk to the people that told me to come here to tell them how full of shit they were.

This is stupid, and I’m OUT!!! I’ll try again tomorrow.

Back again, I enter the space. Today will be different. The voices are there. The volume the same.

I still have the feeling of being overwhelmed, but today I am determined. Since yelling didn’t seem to do anything, other than make it worse, maybe a new tactic is needed? I’m still uncomfortable, I still feel dumb…but I am here…so I might as well see if I can troubleshoot my way to getting these conversations to cease.

I’ll try a softer approach this time, “Excuse me, would you mind keeping it down?”

In a room of a thousand voices, being able to detect any one conversation stopping is almost impossible. But it kiiiiinda feels like a couple of them went away. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still a cacophony of noise, but it feels like I might be making headway.

Confidence is building, maybe tomorrow I can make some more progress.

Today seems different. Having been here a couple of times I don’t feel as awkward as Day One. I’m a bit more comfortable for whatever reason. Not sure why, but I don’t feel as silly as I did the first time I got here. The “casual asks” I’ve been making to get the conversations to quit seem to be working, but since I am new to this place and still not sure what works, I’m going to soften my request further.

(Whisper Voice) “Hey, would it be cool if maybe you went to another room? I was told this was supposed to be a quiet place and it would be really helpful if you had your conversation elsewhere.”

It’s starting to feel like it is getting noticeably quieter. Wait, whaaaaaaaaaat? Is this working?? NO WAY!!

There are still some really loud voices left, but it seems as if the majority of the “Yahoos” have made their exit. I feel like I am on to something.

Now I am kind of excited to come back here.

Next day I resolve to throw caution to wind. The pattern has been established from Day One that the easier the request I make, the better response I have been getting. How quiet can I make my request to the sources of conversations going on? How chill can I be to get this place to where I thought it was going to be Day One?

I enter the room again. This time confident, sure of myself and unafraid. The awkwardness is gone. I’m comfortable because now I know this place. Today I walk to directly to the source of conversation and with the slightest touch I get its attention. I don’t verbalize my request. With a kind look and a smile, I gently raise my chin and with my eyes, point in the direction of where I am asking it to go.

They get it. As the door closes behind the last of them, I look around this now empty infinite space.

It’s quiet.

Now the real work begins.

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That’s how I would describe the beginnings of my meditation practice. My headspace was SO LOUD day one. I hated it. I felt uncomfortable, silly, and awkward. The conversations in the room that day sounded like this “You’re so stupid! This is never going to work! What a colossal waste of time!!”

I used guided meditation apps that helped tremendously! Headspace was the first app I used and the gentleman that guided me is a CHAMP! My most favorite line he used when explaining how to “push the noise aside” was to act as if I was using “a feather to push a bubble”.

Amazing!

Then ever-so-slowly, things started to change. I made the commitment. I carved out space in the morning. In my house with two boys and a wife that teaches school, it was best to get my time “on the cushion” in before they got up and started banging around the house.

Through the techniques in the apps I used, I got “better” as time passed. I didn’t miss days. Some days were just terrible, the loud voices in my head questioning my efforts, but I pressed on. Some morning were AMAZING! Whenever a particular instruction that was given “clicked” and true progress was made, it just felt right…and it reinforced my decision to continue.

Meditation has been a gamechanger in my life and I would recommend it to anyone. It’s not quick fix, which is why I think it is so good. There is real work and effort that goes into it, but the rewards are immeasurable. In my past the “voices” in my head have always ruled the day. Those voices guided me to places and told me to do things that changed the course of my life in terrible ways. I never knew that I didn’t have to listen to them.

Meditation taught me how to quiet them. Then it taught me how to replace them.

I’m not immune to flare ups. I’m an emotional guy, but I am learning that I don’t have to be. Through my daily practice I have developed over the past three years I can confidently say that I have had MANY moments where I would have reacted terribly to whatever was happening to me; but because of my practice was able to recognize what was happening, pause, and move in an entirely different direction than what I was accustomed to, and it was INCREDIBLE.

Satisfaction is standing at the tail end of a situation that would have completely blown up on me in my past, only to be there looking back and see that I made it through without a harsh word said, or a negative emotion felt. That I had overcome ME, by understanding that I don’t have to be a slave to an unexamined existence.

It’s been one of my most favorite “adds” to my toolbelt of tools that have helped me learn how to live a better life.

Try it sometime, I’m glad I did!