A Letter To My Older Self
You’re scared, I get it. It may have been a while since you thought about this but when you were 51 you first saw this coming. You had been sitting down with your Dad having a very similar conversation with him about why you are scared now. You may not remember this, but you left his house hoping you would never be in his position…however, if you are reading this now, it looks like the inevitable finally caught up to you.
You’re not going to want to hear this, but you messed around and got old. Your only fault in the matter was that you were lucky enough to live on the planet for as long as you have. If my math is right the boys should be around 52 and 50 which means you have got to witness more than half their lives and have seen their accomplishments. You’ve been able to witness graduations, marriages, grandkids being born…all the things I am so hopeful now for you to see…and you did it!! Well done!!
Maybe all those days at the gym lifting weights, swimming and running helped to get you here!!!
But now comes the tough part. That brain of yours is cursed with the knowledge that it knows how it’s supposed to operate. The issue is that with age and decline it’s not what it used to be. The decisions you used to make that were sound and good, are now questionable and, unfortunately, putting you at risk.
Oh, you’re going to argue that point with me, you’ve probably already mumbled a curse word or two under your breath…and that’s ok. I’d be frustrated and scared too.
That’s the problem with age, we want to be here to see as much of this life as we can, we don’t want to miss anything. But, if we make it long enough, eventually our battery just runs out and there is nothing we can do to stop it.
That’s what’s happening to you now. Hopefully your boys are around and are wanting to take care of you. If I can give you a bit of advice on that it’s this.
Let them.
It’s going to be difficult, you are going to want to fight them at every turn, but you’re gonna have to let them help you.
The confusion will come from feeling as if you still have what it takes to completely care for yourself and you know what…for the most part you probably can. It’s just that 20-30% of the time where the problems lie. Here lately there have been some missteps and some falls that have been happening more frequently and it’s to the point now where there is some real concern for you.
Your boys are scared because they’ve always known you to be strong and there for them. Now they are faced with having to care for you and are having to prepare themselves for their eventual life without you. So everybody is scared.
You said you wanted to be here and see as much of your kids and grandkids that you could…well guess what…you can continue to do that; you’re just going to have to make some adjustments. By the way, these adjustments, they were always coming. If you can make them successfully, they are going to allow you to really enjoy these days ahead.
I don’t want to pull any punches, there are going to be some tough moments. It’s going to be difficult to determine in some instances whether or not the people responsible to you are trying to help you or control you. The truth is that it’s probably going to be a little of both.
Now I know “them’s fighting’ words” but if you don’t find some acceptance in your life, you’re going to push away the ones you love most; fighting with them every time they try to help you.
Truth is, getting old sucks. Losing all the abilities we worked so hard to hone is frightening…and DYING?? Well that’s just unimaginable.
Or is it?
There is a solution. You had been working towards it for a few years during those last years with your dad. It’s quite possible you’ve been fostering that solution all this time. If that’s the case, there’s a good chance you are reading this letter with a wry smile having known where I was going with this idea of a solution, but in case you forgot, allow me to remind you.
There are questions and fears in this life that are too big for our shoulder’s to bear. You understood this back then and if you remember, you were doing a lot of work towards really understanding that..
The answer hasn’t changed.
It’s Faith.
Faith is going to get you to where you are going, which is to the loving hands of your Creator. I don’t fault you if you didn’t remember it until now, and I’m excited for you if you’ve been nurturing that relationship this whole time.
Don’t be discouraged if you haven’t been making the effort. Life’s challenges offer an infinite set of distractions. Losing sight of Faith can be easy. If you are having trouble just remember what your pastor told you all those years ago.
You were talking together under an overhang at a coffee shop about God’s love for you and wondering how it worked. That’s when your pastor stood up in the shade of the overhang and said, “There will be times when you are in the shadows and you may not see or feel Gods presence.” then he took a single step out from the shadows and into the sunlight and said, “When that happens, all you have to do is step back into God’s light and like the sun, you will feel his presence around you.”
So, if you haven’t done it yet, take that step. Have faith that you have done what God has wanted. Enjoy these days of your life, reflecting on how His Grace allowed you to live long enough to see all the things you wanted so badly when you were in the dark.